


counting seconds through the night

by drippingcandie



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: John is an unreliable narrator and doesn't tell you what anyone is saying, Just for a hot second, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Linear Narrative, Non-binary character, Oral Sex, Trans Male Character, but he is precious and i love him, it's lafayette, it's laurens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-12
Updated: 2016-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-08 07:59:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7749709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drippingcandie/pseuds/drippingcandie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Alex have been together since first semester of their third year of college. Funny, John thinks, that they have been dating for less that a year.</p><p>Along the way he tries to figure out what love feels like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	counting seconds through the night

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: there's a bar fight, a very awkward blowjob
> 
> body dysmorphia is mentioned for a brief moment.
> 
> for the most part it's plotless, just how i imagine them wandering around in my modern universe. 
> 
> enjoy :)

John has been awake for hours. It was late afternoon and he had gotten up around sunrise. That’s how his sleep schedule usually went anyway, so it was nothing abnormal, nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Except for Alexander is asleep. John should’ve been expecting his boyfriend to be resting at this hour since he came back from work late last night. He had this knack of staying up for an ungodly amount of days and then crashing. Sometimes John would worry to no end about it, Alex would tell him it was normal and he’d calm down again. 

 

But now that John is sitting at the desk in their room and staring at Alex’s sleeping form, he is starting to think he should be worried. Waking him up could have some consequences that John wasn’t prepared for. Maybe he should do it anyway. The worst that could happen is that Alex would be grumpy and while it wasn’t enjoyable, he would survive.

 

He’s rocking back and forth in the rolling chair, deciding if it’s worth getting up. Deciding if maybe Alex should be awake right now. Luckily, his boyfriend shifts under the covers and shows signs of being conscious. John breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“Sleep well?” He asks, finally pushing himself up out of the chair and chooses a new spot on the edge of the bed. Alexander’s hand finds it’s way to his and their fingers intwine.

 

“What time is it?” Is the response he get’s instead, Alex’s voice muffled by the sheets. John doesn’t mind that his question was ignored. Considering Alex is only half awake at the moment makes it forgivable.

 

He glances down at his watch, which he does out of habit anyway. “It’s three in the afternoon.” Alexander hums and seems to be content with the amount of sleep he received. John nudges him, urges him to get up, squeezes his hand a little tighter. The man let’s out a small huff. “Alexander, please.”

 

“John.” Alexander whines, face still hidden from view. 

 

“I’ve been waiting for you to wake up all day.” He knows that his argument isn’t persuasive. Alex can come up with anything as a rebuttal. He has to find something more convincing. “I can make you lunch.” It was something he had planned to do anyway, but maybe the thought of food would turn the tables.

 

Alexander shifts in bed and starts to shuffle around, just looking irritated enough to make John feel a little guilty. But then brown eyes meet his and soften, and yeah.

 

Love must be like this, John thinks.

 

John makes himself useful by supporting Alex, who was on stumbling legs, get out of bed and walk to the kitchen. It’s not far since the apartment they share is small. But with Alex’s socks on the hardwood and his lax limbs, the journey feels like an eternity. His boyfriend manages to nuzzle his face into his neck and making it even more difficult with his hair getting in the way.

 

When the linoleum hits Alex’s feet it’s as if a light switch is turned on inside that non-stop brain of his. He wastes no time climbing up on the counter, his feet dangling as he watches John get to work.

 

John didn’t think this far ahead, mostly due to the fact that he had been cleaning all day and thought that maybe Alex would ask for take out when he woke up, if John was lucky. But John always knows he can cook something if he has to, plus it’s more time spent with Alex.

 

He boils some noodles and pulls out tomatoes from the fridge. It’s easy for him to slice them up and drop them in the pasta. Alex doesn’t like red sauce. It’s too sweet and heavy. John says that it’s all the added sugar, whole tomatoes are better for him anyway.

 

“You should take a break more often.” John takes on a motherly tone and is trying not to fall in to the usual lecture he gives bi-weekly. “It’s bad for your health, working that hard.”

 

Alexander smiles at him. “It’s been awhile, I know.” His feet knock against the cabinets. “And don’t start with the lecture, John.” John feel the blush rise to his cheeks. Busted. “I can take care of myself quite alright.”

 

John knows that’s a bold faced lie, and serves Alex a bowl of pasta with a smile on his face anyway.

 

* * *

 

 

 

John likes going to bars. 

 

Alex knows that John isn’t always as soft and nice as he pretends to be. The southern accent and sweet charm, the gentle voice. It’s reserved for Alex and strangers. John is rough around the edges.

 

And John knows that Alex knows this, so Alex doesn’t mind going out with him every once in awhile. In fact, Alex likes it sometimes. It’s not like clubbing at all. The bar is loud, lots of people are there, occasionally someone gets the guts to get up and dance. But there’s no flashing lights and killer bass.

 

Lafayette and Hercules join both of them on this trip because John is convinced it’s not a party without all four of them together. It’s Alex’s third year of college, but the other three have been in the game a year longer so he doesn’t argue. Those three had a group dynamic that Alex preferred to contribute to rather than oppose.

 

John is glad Alexander doesn’t drink as he orders his third beer. It seems like everything about the two just fits together. Alex doesn’t drink, John loves to. John is terrified of getting behind the wheel and Alex is the best driver known to man. 

 

“Hey, babe.” Alex says, putting a hand on John’s knee. John looks him in the eye as he takes another drink. “Don’t you think you should slow down a bit? I know we don’t have plans tomorrow but…”

 

John quirks an eyebrow at him. “I guess I’ll just have,” He pauses to think for a moment. “One more. One more, yeah.” His southern accent makes an appearance the drunker he gets. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t such a lightweight. “Laf, come with me.” He sets the empty bottle on the table and slides out of the booth they’ve claimed.

 

Laf, bless their soul, doesn’t even think twice before getting up and following John. Hercules stays behind with Alex and John is thankful. He knows Alex doesn’t need a babysitter, but John get kind of worried about him in these kinds of atmospheres.

 

He continues to push through bodies, Lafayette following close behind. 

 

“Hey, asshole!” The fact that John hadn’t even made it to drink four yet and someone was already yelling at him was surprising. “How about you say excuse me next time.” But all he did was bump into this guy. Nothing too bad. It’s not like John was trying to provoke anyone, but the second that he hears the word asshole he can feel the adrenaline pumping. He stops in his tracks, Laf running right into him. They didn’t even know what John was doing, so the look of surprise on their face was evident. 

 

“Too crowded for that, ‘m afraid.” John puts his hands on his own chest like it’s a sincere excuse. He feels Lafayette’s hand on his shoulder.

 

He’s not sure when the first punch was thrown or who threw it. All he knows is that this guy thinks he can win because he’s taller and buffer. LIttle does he know that John has never backed out of a fight in his whole damn life.

 

He’s faster too, like the alcohol sped him up instead of slowing him down. It’s not until there’s a satisfying cracked under his fist and blood in his mouth that Lafayette is hoisting him up from the ground.

 

“Fuck, my friend, that’s...that’s _ tres mal _ .” And it’s not everyday that Lafayette is at a loss for words. 

 

“John!” There’s a familiar voice parting the small crowd that had crowded around the fight, a person far faster than the bodyguards that were still making their way over to throw. “John!” It’s Alex with Hercules in tow, and he has a deja vu moment.

 

Everytime he gets into a bar fight this sense of dread comes over him when he sees Alex’s face afterwards. John just feels like he’s let him down. And it’s really not his fault! The fights are exhilarating. Make him feel something. He doesn’t think right when he’s drunk. It doesn’t take a lot to get John drunk.

 

“Come on, John.” Laf passes him off to Alex and John tries to loll his head to the side so Alex doesn’t have a blood stain on his shirt. “We gotta get home.” John mumbles a goodbye to Herc and Laf before Alexander drags him out, security following them to make sure they actually get out the door.

 

“Alex,” John sings out. “Can’t wait to go home with ya.” The southern drawl is back. Alex sets him in the seat, buckles him up, plants a kiss on his forehead. Seconds later, he’s in the driver seat himself.

 

Love has to feel like this.

 

Assessing his injuries is fast. A busted lip and a bruised rib, probably. Nothing too extreme. The bleeding from his lip has slowed, almost stopped.

 

Something compels John to lean over, plant a kiss on Alexander’s neck. Plants more kisses there. “John,” Alex says it as a warning. “We have to get home.” 

 

John was never really good at listening. Runs his hands against the fabric of Alexander’s jeans, up and down his thigh. Leans over and feels the seatbelt dig into his neck. He couldn’t wait to get home so he could actually get on his knees for Alex. It’d be far more comfortable than the position he was in now.

 

John has a feeling that wouldn’t be happening. Alex pushes him away and he knows his limits, but lets out a whine anyway. “A different night, okay babe?” 

 

Despite John’s whine, he falls asleep as soon as Alex can start the car.

 

* * *

 

John comes home from class and Alex is on the couch. He looks very concentrated on whatever he’s scrolling through on his laptop more so than what was on the television.

 

That didn’t stop John from sprawling out across his lap, long limbs taking up what was left of the couch space. “Long day?” Alex asks, running his fingers through John curls. He muffles an affirmation in to the couch cushion.

 

“Come on, babe.” Alex tries to shift John in a more tolerable position while discarding his laptop on the coffee table. “We should at least get your binder off.”

 

John would hate to admit it, always would, that Alexander was right. He sits up a bit and faces away from his boyfriend, let’s Alex pull the green shirt he was wearing over his head. Alex is really good at telling when John needs to take it off, knows when John might fall asleep without thinking about it. He knows that on days John gets up early, he needed to take it off earlier.

Alex is careful to fold up the edge of John’s tank top like binder and pull it over his head and turning it right side in again. “Here’s your shirt.” He says, handing the article of clothing back to John so he can put it on again.

 

“Thanks.” He says softly, cuddles up close to Alexander. The laptop lays forgotten on the table and those fingers are combing through his hair again.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex is always curious, but never pushes to hard with John. He’s seen the man do it to other people, pushed far too hard and end up with a mess. He knows better with John. He knows John could fight if he really wanted to, but knows John wouldn’t because he’s scared Alex will leave. He knows pushing John would really screw things up.

 

John shakes his head to indicate, no. He would rather not talk about how his new binder didn’t fit as well as the old one. How last week he could say he was passing. Last week the woman at the checkout of the grocery store used his right pronouns. This week it was a gangly teenage boy who misgendered him at the counter.

 

Alex doesn’t push so they sit in silence.

 

“I can order take out.” Alexander volunteers after a few minutes, John far more relaxed than when he came in the door.

 

“‘M not hungry.” John shifts to look up at the ceiling. Alex accepts the answer and goes back to whatever he was thinking about. John can practically hear the wheels and gears turning in his head.

 

Alex let’s John have control over the remote and doesn’t ask anymore questions. John can’t say this is the happiest he’s ever been, but he can say he’s content. 

 

Love has to be like this.

 

Alex rubs circles on his back and never complains when John keeps shifting to find a comfortable position. Doesn’t complain when John flips on Jeopardy. Hell, he doesn’t even let out a huff when John beats him to the Jesus Christ Superstar question. 

 

“We should order me another binder.”  John says, raising his voice higher than it had been all night. 

 

“Why?” Alex’s question doesn’t sound like it’s meant to be judgemental, just genuinely curious. John likes that. Alex being curious.

 

He leans up a little to look him in the eye. “The one I’ve been wearing does fit right.” 

 

John knows that look in Alex’s eyes, he knows because it’s a look he often gives Alex. The mother hen look. The on a brink of a lecture look. The lecture never comes but his voice is laced in concern. “You should tell me sooner next time, okay? You’ve been wearing that one for a week.”

 

“I will. I promise.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It’s a blurry mess.

 

Alex has John pressed up against the wall of their dingy apart that they’ve been sharing for four months. They’ve only been dating for 6. How was it moving this fast? John couldn’t piece it together, his head is spinning. 

 

Alex and John had gotten back from their movie date, just a cute family movie. John wasn’t a fan of much else. So he couldn’t really piece it together when Alex got that look in his eye when they got home. He wasn’t complaining at all, definitely not.

 

He has his arms wrapped around Alex’s neck and Alex’s hands are gripping his hips enough to bruise.

 

Love feels like that.

 

Kissing Alex is bruising too. It’s a lot of teeth and ferocity and labored breathing. John’s hands drop from around Alex’s neck, Alex’s hands starting to roam above his waist. His legs so slack underneath him and he inches slowly down the wall to get on  his knees. Alex doesn’t make any effort to stop him.

 

John’s hands have never been so shaky and he curses himself. Fumbling with belts and buttons on  jeans like he was back in highschool again. Alexander presses down on his shoulders as if to keep him grounded. John is thankful.

 

The button finally comes undone and John breathes out a sigh of relief. Alex’s breath hitches. Shimmying Alex’s boxers and jeans down in one go was a little harder when his space was limited, crowded against the wall, but John made it work.

 

Alex gives him a small tap on the cheek and John lets his jaw go slack. Looks up through long eyelashes and waits. Alex slowly brings his cock to his mouth, letting John taste him.

 

He cannot believe how unbearably slow Alex is moving, slowly pushing his hips forward. John is eager, wants him all now, but Alex isn’t having it. He lets out a little whine out from the back of his throat, a plea for something. Anything.

 

“So good for me, aren’t you?” Alex is good at keeping his composure in times like this, never loses control too quick. He brings a hand up to John’s cheek, ghosts over the freckles. John basks in the praise, keens, wishes he could answer. Alexander experimentally snaps his hips forward and hits the back of John’s throat.

 

John can feel his throat tightening. Alexander lets out a groan at the feeling, presses as far as he can go. When he looks down, he sees tears form at the corners of his eyes, knows it’s just from the intrusion but worry still etches his face. John doesn’t tap out though.

 

“Can’t believe you’re taking me so well.” Alex pulls his hips back and snaps them forward again. Does this a few more times and John’s hands aren’t hanging freely anymore. They’re gripping the back of Alexander’s thighs. 

 

John almost loses it when Alex’s hands make their way to his hair and gives it a tug. The moan that escapes his mouth is barely audible.

 

It’s not hard to tell when Alex is about to come. He picks up speed, his movements get jerkier, his pants get louder. So John is definitely prepared when he comes down his throat.

 

“Oh my god, John.” Alex is breathless above him, still trying to recover. John just gives him a wicked grin and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. 

 

* * *

 

John drags Alexander to brunch one morning.

 

It’s a lot harder than he remembers it being. The last time they went was a few weeks ago. Sundays left John feeling hazy, Sundays tended to be dark days. So they often skipped brunch with their friends most weeks and Alex tried not to feel delighted. Getting out of the house relies on a lot of negotiation this one fateful morning.

 

“We can skip the bar this week.” That was a sentence John only said when cash got a little tighter than normal, but brunch was worth it.

 

Alex seemed to genuinely consider it. Nodded an affirmation. “John Laurens, you’re getting better at this every day.” It’s said in the most loving way possible, smiling gracing his lips. Tugs at one of John’s curls and watches as his freckled nose scrunches up.

 

John plants a kiss on Alexander’s cheek, only having to lean forward a bit to do so. 

 

The walk uptown to get to their brunch destination. Alexander drags his feet and John is practically bouncing. “How do you think Angie is doing abroad?” Alex asks him and he slows down a bit, just enough to hold a conversation.

 

He doesn’t really know how to answer his question, knows Alex emails her daily. Says he would text her if the rates weren’t through the roof to do so. John didn’t know Angelica all that well. An appearance or two had been made when they went drinking and John didn’t mind getting drunk with her. She also came to brunch a few times last semester when she was still here, and then Laf busted a joke about Alexander’s past crush on her. Not to be petty, but John had felt a little uncomfortable around her ever since.

 

“I’m sure she’s fine. Haven’t you been talking to her?” John asks, intertwining their fingers as they walk while trying to make sure they weren’t taking up the whole sidewalk.

 

“Yeah, she answers my emails.”

 

They walk in silence for a while. John feels a lot more grounded than he did before, holding on to Alexander’s hand. 

 

It’s not long before they’re at their destination and walking into their favorite brunch spot (which wasn’t all that fancy). The hostess knows them and starts leading them to the back of the venue where their tables are usually pushed together. Eliza, Maria, and Herc are already there.

 

“Long time no see, lover boys.” Herc gets a sharp elbow to the ribs for that one and Alex let’s out one of his big laughs, the genuine ones. It brings a smile to John’s face too. Alex slides into the seat across from Eliza, John across from Maria.

 

Lafayette shows up ten minutes late and no one is surprised. They give John and Alex kisses on the cheek, claims their seat across from Hercules.

 

John orders his usual salad and gives in to splitting some hashbrows with Alex, who orders a stack of pancakes. He jokingly scolds his boyfriend for his bad eating habits and Alex just sticks his tongue out at him.

 

The table is full of laughter and giggling, jokes come up that John hadn’t heard in forever. He realized just how long it’s been and wonders if he’s been wasting time moping. Alex must’ve noticed the look on his face. He nudges John’s arm.

 

John is bumped out of his trance and when he looks up, there are Alex’s big black doe eyes. It makes him feel a little guilty. Alex doesn’t hesitate to give him a reassuring smile, squeezes his hand underneath the table a little tighter. He feels at ease.

 

This is what love is like.

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> wooo! glad you made it to the end :) leave comments below if you'd like.
> 
> if you want come scream at me/send me prompts on tumblr @anoldsong


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